agape loneliness

relationships during a strange time

it is the beginning of december, the worst month of the year

relationships take on an almost conciliatory role during quarantine, during late capital even. its almost as if facing the world alone, scary as it is, can be hard to bear, even with one partner.

there's a certain perceived prevalence of polyamorous relationships among trans people, mostly trans femmes I believe, and I think this can in part explain it. for some there can be a strange disconnect to cisgender society, and even to a trans community, be it just a lack of relation to one another or what. this too can explain to some extent, the prevalence. however, this isn't to say that polyamory would not exist in a post capitalist world (I in fact feel it'd be more common), but that it's just one of the many aspects that can influence people to seek things the way they do.

all this said, it is a strange strange time to be have relationships. america continues to cope with an uncaring and malicious government, our incoming president seems to intend to do too little too late. universities collected money for classes no one learned from, workplaces are sacrificing their employees. business as usual, but more obvious, and now we can't see the people we love. one can feel lonely in their own house without physical presence of a loved one nearby, and one can feel lonely just at the world, a sort of more profound loneliness than just physical or emotional loneliness perhaps. agape loneliness: loneliness at the state of the world?

I think it's worth dissecting why we differ–a healthy analysis of tradition's failures is often more meaningful then keeping to it–and this year, there's not much more to do than tread water in thoughts, embrace or transcend the confusion, and assume it'll all make sense later.

this, is the actual hard part of relationships: when you can't see the people you love, when you can't even express that love familiarly and truthfully. for some relationships, text is just another way to communicate. for others, it's limiting medium reaching for something unattainable, a thing in itself of love. for some, maybe even physicality never attains it; a professor of mine once said, the object of desire is mysterious, and love is elusive. not all relationships feel the same or express love the same. when options are gone, there's nothing to look towards, a plane ticket, a visit, a movie, some shared moment as a reprieve… how do we actually express love, true as we feel it? how do we face life, refreshed again, sure as sure's even been, convicted our love is true, that life is worth it for the loves we share?

uncertainty strikes like all things, an ambient feeling this year. how do we really know if we're ready for a relationship in a time when there's not really anything certain anymore, how do we trust ourselves when we're evolving apart, and together only through screens